Some French Ugliness

In my ongoing tribute to Ricardo and wife being in London, I'm reprising the emails I sent home during my trip to both London and Paris. This is entry #5. My buddy and co-worker, Haywood, who reads 19th century French books in French, was meeting me in Paris. This entry is actually the end of one entry and the beginning of the next day's entry. You'll understand why as you read it. Don't pass judgement on me until the end!

Frenchie Talk

Here’s some things you need to know in France (pardon my French spelling):

Oui-“wee”-means yes

Merci-thank you

Par lay voux English?-Do you speak English?

Excuse e moi-excuse me, pronounced just like we do in the states when you were 8 and teasing friends.

Cest voux plait-Please

That’s all you really need to know because once they find out you’re not French they’re just going to ignore you anyway.

Dining?

Go to Paris because you’ll love the food! Right? How many times have you heard that? All lies. The food sucks here. That’s right, it sucks. And do you know why it sucks? Because they don’t believe in capitalism. Come again? They don’t believe in capitalism. As such, tips are included in the prices at restaurants, so there’s no incentive to provide good service. None at all. And you won’t get it, believe me. It really detracts from the quality of the food too. We had dinner for 4 hours the last two nights-four hours! Unbelievable. DO NOT expect to see the wait staff (what an appropriate name for these people) for 15 minutes minimum if you send them away because you aren’t ready because, oh, I don’t know, you can’t read the freaking menus because they don’t put them in English. Or if you want water, which you have to ask for, or if you want a set of silverware (honest, that happened) or if you want the food you ordered or drinks you ordered. Unbelievable. The waiter at the first place we went to was the second Frenchie I came close to beating to a pulp. We were on the second floor too, so that would have been fun to see if he could fly. Fortunately Haywood’s here to keep me restrained.

Speaking of which, I need to go meet him now in the park before we go to Notre Dame Cathedral. Yesterday we went to the Eiffel Tower—more on this trip tomorrow—the Arch de Triumphe—skip it if you visit here, at least going up it—and the Louvre—we spent six hours here and saw about half of it, maybe a quarter. More on my viewings later.

Sorry to have missed the Fourth back in the states. It’s a good time, especially in Chicago!

Friday July 7, 2000 (morning)

Subject: Paris, Day Du

I have to start by apologizing for some of the visual images I left you with yesterday, namely throwing a Frenchman from a second floor restaurant, dragging another one across a counter and hitting golf balls at defenseless sheep.  The waitress yesterday morning screwed up our coffee order and instead of bringing a coffee with cream, she brought a double shot espresso and some cream containers. I'm much better now though and have not even come close to physical violence on anyone. Again, sorry for those images of me being an ugly American. It was the caffeine talking.

Important French lessons One of the most important words you need to know here is "sortie". Now the only sorties I've ever heard of are the kind we flew over Iraq during the gulf war. Here however, it means exit, and the trains, museums and all sites are much more difficult to enjoy if you don't know the "way out".

"Billet" is also important as it means ticket and invariably you'll run into this word upon your arrival in the country. 

Bon Jour-good day

Bon Swa-good evening There really aren't any other greetings here. 

Arevoire-which I know I haven't spelled right is goodbye.